Happy National Coming Out Day

Nearly twenty years ago, I remember the day I came out to myself; the a-ha moment of when I recognized I had the capacity to be in a relationship with anyone, regardless of their gender. It was only a few weeks later that I came out to my nuclear family. I understand the privilege of my situation, knowing I would be loved and supported from those who were most important to me. Unfortunately, not everyone has that experience. For those who might be questioning their identity or feel they are in an unwelcome environment, watching others come out can provide hope, strength and courage.

Coming out is an extremely powerful moment in one’s life.

Growing up in a devout Catholic environment, I was hesitant to share this part of me with my extended family as a result of institutionalism. When Iowa passed marriage equality in 2009, I sent the following email to my aunts and uncles.

Hello to my loving family-
I hope this email finds you all happy and healthy as the season changes from a very long winter into spring.

I would like to share with you a few of my thoughts and feelings about the Iowa Supreme Court decision last week to lift the ban on gay marriage.

We all wear many hats or labels (and by the way, I am not a fan of "labels"). Some of mine include: daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, co-worker, athlete, partner, adventurer, social activist, fundraiser, animal lover, theater-goer, volunteer, American, etc. There is never a time that just one of these labels ever defines who we are. By combining all of these, plus our family and history, and what we look to in the future, makes us the person we are and who we want to become.

As someone who has been involved with the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans-gender) community for nearly five years, I feel it is important (in a positive way) to let you know how much this ruling in Iowa is to the state, our country and to me. There are over 1,500 federal rights alone that a straight married couple receives that a same-sex married couple does NOT receive. Some of these include adoption rights, hospital visitation rights, medical benefits, social security rights, major investments such as property, workplace equality, safety from bias-based violence, and countless others. When most people think of Civil Rights, they think of racial minorities and what their rights are. But in fact, Civil Rights is defined as: Protection from discrimination based on race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc.

I am very fortunate to live in a community where I feel safe to be open about who I am both as an individual and with my partner. There are times that discrimination still looms, but with support of friends and family, we can still be who we are. The state of Iowa took a huge step forward toward creating equality, and I look forward to a day when as a nation, we all, truly will be equal.

Best wishes,
Ann Marie

At this point in my life, I am very comfortable talking about my experience and letting others know I am Queer.

How I identify now at 45 is different than how I did twenty years ago when I came out. Many aspects of our identity are fluid and it is okay to explore all the magnificent and all the mess that make us who we are.

There are many people who do not like the word queer, because historically it was a derogatory term. And it can be today, depending on the context and the depth of visceral speech in which it is used. For many of us, we are taking the term back. The reason I choose to use the word queer is because it encompasses my whole identity; everything from gender to gender expression to sexual orientation to thinking about who I vote for, the venders I support and the products I buy. When asked about pronouns, I tend to use she/they. I like to describe why this way: “If one were to imagine a map of the United States and Maine is the most feminine image they could visualize and California is the most masculine image they could visualize, I hover around Michigan.” From birth I have been socialized to think I am female, simply because of the body parts that were visible when I was born. But gender is much more complex than that. Dr. Clare Mehta offers a wonderful TED Talk titled Beyond Boxes: Unpacking the Complexity of Gender.

We still need National Coming Out Day to raise visibility in the fight for equality when it comes to issues such as healthcare, adoption, marriage, housing and employment. For many of us, our life is in the hands of lawmakers who are not speaking from personal experience, are misinformed and are trying to buy votes through propaganda. The ACLU is currently tracking over 500 anti-LGBTQ bills in the United States. Next month I am moderating a panel discussion that will cover topics including recent federal and regional legislation affecting the LGBTQIA+ community, protections for LGBTQIA+ by state, implications for clinical work with the LGBTQIA+ population and what can folks do moving forward to feel empowered and be agents of social change.

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” - Audre Lorde

I am proud to say I am Queer and will celebrate National Coming Out Day with pride.

be well-