Little by little, it Becomes a Heavy Load

Trigger Warning- topics of natural and man made disaster, suicide, substance use, gun violence are mentioned. Please take care of yourself, as needed. Even if that means skipping this post all together.

Not everyday can be a good day, but there can be a moment of good in each day. Mine came during my therapy session after a long day at school.

Starting early this morning, little by little, I began to feel this heaviness building in my body. First, I was reading the latest news about the hate crime shooting at Club Q in Colorado Springs. As a queer person, I am so heart-broken when our community is the target of a senseless event such as this. Love is Love and everyone has the right to go out, free from worry about violent attacks against a targeted community.

And then in my morning class, we were talking about the importance of psychological first aid (PFA). This is often administered when a family or community experiences disaster or trauma. I am using the definition from American Psychological Association which defines trauma as any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning. Examples that are often thought of include hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and fire. Less common examples are mass shootings, bombings, or pandemics.

Our professor shared her experience of being part of a team to help with PFA shortly after 9/11. And then she asked us to share our personal experiences. This is when the build up of heaviness kept piling on. I moved to the DC area about six weeks before 9/11 and experienced that day first hand. The building shaking, the smell of burning fuel, the snipers on buildings around the city….all of that still sits in every cell of my body. Twenty-plus years later, I tear up when I share my story.

And then we started to talk about Hurricane Katrina. And again, I could identify personally with that disaster. Six months post hurricane, I went to New Orleans and volunteered for a period of time. I worked in a soup kitchen helping to serve over 1,000 meals a day. When I wasn’t working, I would walk around the various neighborhoods and the amount of destruction was inconceivable. Those images are forever embedded in my mind.

Other pictures and videos were shared throughout the class which brought great discussions about how media portrays certain events and potentially targets certain populations. It also led to how we can experience trauma first hand or from a distance. I left the class feeling heavy, and joked with a classmate that I was glad I had therapy later in the day.

While sitting with my therapist, it was clear that I was not my normal, joyful self and I started talking about my day. When I explained what I was feeling, she knew there was more to the story and said something to the effect of, “I have a feeling your trauma started before 9/11.” She’s not wrong.

To preserve a bit of my own autonomy and those in my life, I won’t go into deep detail and will keep it surface level. Early in my life, I spent a significant amount of time in hospitals for multiple surgeries and in an isolation bubble after having a seizure due to meningitis. Through childhood and into early adulthood, there were huddles in basements and root cellars because of tornadoes, there a was flash flood, there was gun violence, substance use, 9/11, anthrax, and sniper shootings. In my 30’s into my 40’s, one person in my life died by suicide while others have tried.

When thinking about these events individually, it doesn’t seem like much. But when I look at the totality of what I have experienced, to me, it’s no wonder I was feeling weighed down. I am not sure I have ever thought about all of these experiences at the same time and it brought a lot of emotions to the surface.

The good in today was having the space to process, feel and talk through what I was holding onto.

Mental health is health. Finding opportunities to process and talk about what you are going through is extremely important and valuable. I recognize I am privileged because I have a therapist and there are many people with little to no access because resources are limited. If you or a loved one is looking for counseling, please send me a direct message to ann@annbruckwellness.com. I will do my very best to help connect you with services that meet your needs.

Please take good care of yourself. Be Well-